Idealistic perception of marriage – Part 3

So you’re standing with your friend around the water cooler or in line at Starbucks or waiting for your movie to start and the conversation turns to their impending divorce and you hear these words: “I’m not in love with him anymore. We’ve grown apart.”

Really?

The aforementioned words are spoken by people that have entered into marriage with a very idealistic view of what it takes for marriage to last a lifetime. And that idealism translates into a view of marriage that is very unrealistic. Here’s how it happens…

Couple meets. Couple falls in love (read “good sex”). Couple thinks good sex makes for a great marriage. Couple gets engaged. Couple spends no money on premarital counseling. Couple spends a stupid amount of money on the wedding. Couple lives happily…until the couple gets frustrated with each other about communication, money, friends, family, leisure time. Couple “grows apart”. Couple has “fallen out of love”. Couple talks to their friend in line at the movie. Couple files for divorce.

Kids cry. More on that in a future post…

I’ve talked to a lot of couples where the “grown apart” line has started off our conversations. As I listen to the person talk I begin to hear about how their needs aren’t being met. They say the person they married isn’t growing with them. They want more. It’s a very self-centered conversation at this point. It always ends the same. One or both of the spouses have become self-involved and they won’t stop until they get what they want, even if it means divorce.

There you have it. The whole “we’ve grown apart” thing is a very politically correct way of saying I’m not getting what I want so I’m going to go get what I want.

An idealistic view of marriage says as long as we always get along, have enough money, the kids are perfect, and Thanksgiving and Christmas family gatherings are squabble free we’ll stay married for life. That ain’t even happening on John and Kate Plus 8.

Marriage is about love, to be sure. Unfortunately, the word “love” is tossed around as a synonym for varying levels of pheromones and testosterone. Real love transcends the physical.

Real love is unconditional. Real love is willing to be loyal to your spouse under any circumstance. Real love isn’t about holding up your 50% of the marriage. Real love is both spouses giving 100%. Real love is, “We will create a relationship where we will attempt to accomplish each others dreams even if it means personal sacrifice”. Real love is selfless. This love is the God kind of love. This is the love of a marriage that lasts a lifetime. This is the love that takes hard work and patience.

So how’s your marriage? I hope it’s working. If your marriage isn’t working it’s time to try something different. Why not try some God love?

Managing the parenting triangle…

Kids are great. They smile at you, love you unconditionally and look up to you with respect. At least until they’re like two years old. Then things change. The rebellious nature that is inherit in every human being’s DNA begins to transform our offspring into…the spawn of Satan is a bit strong…umm…how about tricky, conniving, manipulative little darlings.

Every parent’s had an encounter with a child that’s attempted to divide and conquer their parents so that they can get what they want. You know, if the kid doesn’t get the answer they want from one parent they go ask the other parent.

When I was in grad school, I developed an addiction to Little Debbie Snack cakes in the form of Devil’s Squares. They are the perfect refined sugar snack. I passed that addiction to my daughter by sneaking her bites when my wife wasn’t looking. When my daughter would fly across the kitchen floor in her walker, my wife thought we were just playing daughter/dad games. My wife finally figured out that when my oldest daughter would hear me unwrap that delicious piece of heaven she would move at warp speed to my chair, flash her baby blues and then open her mouth like a little birdie to get the chocolatey goodness . Mom did not like that I was circumventing a Mom rule. I didn’t think it was as bad for her as the Diet Coke I gave her. It was cute to see her eyes water.

We had words.

Then we had a come to Jesus meeting. Okay, my wife had a come to Jesus meeting. I was wrong because I had allowed my darling daughter to “work the triangle” in a masterful way. My wife had a different rule for the same situation. The triangle of kid/mom/dad is something that took us a while to figure out. Kids learn to work the triangle much quicker than parents learn how to manage the triangle.

The little darling in the walker is now a senior in high school. Once in a while, even though we’ve explained to her that working the triangle is not acceptable, she has a relapse.

It seems stupid to me and her Mom. She knows that Mom and Dad come to a common agreement before most things come up. We’ve learned how to manage the triangle. If we don’t have a common agreement already in place we delay the answer until we can communicate the common agreement. When we don’t, we have words. And then…you know the drill.

Want to stop your kids from working the triangle? Come to a common agreement on what the consequence or reward is in advance of a situation. When a situation arises that doesn’t have a common agreement, delay on giving an answer until you as parents have ONE answer. If kids see that Mom and Dad agree and are functioning as a cohesive parental team, they figure out that working the triangle is useless.

Learn to manage the triangle and your life will be less chaotic.

Blessings on you and your triangle(s).

Stuck in your marriage? Some things to think about…

Some people think they’re stuck in their marriage. As my pastor put it yesterday, they live with their spouse like a cellmate waiting for the day when they can be released from the prison of a horrible marriage. If it weren’t for the kids or finances or family pressure, they would be gone. The person they were so in love with when they got married is now someone they…dislike very much.

The cellmate marriage isn’t fun. In fact, it’s tedious and full of anxiety. People cope with a cellmate marriage by looking for diversions…void fillers that help them temporarily escape to a place of emotional fulfillment. The safe diversions are kid’s sports, a time consuming hobby, or going back to school. We all know the not-so-safe ones like substance abuse or cheating. Then there’s the married couple that says they’re “super busy” that are simply hiding some deeper issues.

So how does a couple start off in the bliss of holy matrimony and end up in a holy freaking matrimony? Somewhere along the way people experience the disconnect of their idealistic perceptions of marriage and the reality that they live with another human being(s) that is imperfect.

The people that stay in a cellmate marriage would rather live in a crappy situation than start a dialogue about how to make their relationship better. It’s easier to blame the other person. It’s convenient to blame relationship problems on financial woes or a bad economy. If you stick with that logic it will only lead to someone hiring a divorce lawyer. The American view of marriage is flawed.

So, if the logic of American culture is flawed, what’s the answer?

You were created to be in a relationship and relationships that work are hard work. I’ve been married for 23 years. Maintaining my relationship with my wife is hard work. One of the hardest parts of maintaining my relationship with my wife is reminding myself that I have to be willing to change. Oh yeah, and my wife Michelle needs to be willing to change, too. It’s not all about us as individuals, it’s about our relationship. Our relationship gets priority because we’ve found out that a healthy relationship is more fulfilling than anything in the world. And that makes being married fun.

Be willing to change. Work hard at your relationship with your spouse. If you do, you won’t have to work so hard at trying to figure out how to get out of your marriage.

More cash for your family

Here’s a great article about putting more dollars in your pocket. Since the economy isn’t projected to do much better this year, we all need good advice. For my wife and me, the flexible spending account has been working great for us for seven years now. Check it out.

Just a little side note…making decisions together builds a healthy marriage.

Holy (freaking) matrimony

Holy matrimony. Where did that word combination come from anyway? Well, it comes from The Common Book of Prayer that was written in 1549 A.D. just three years after Martin Luther’s 95 Theses were nailed to the doors of a church in Wittenberg, Germany. What is now known as the Episcopal Wedding Service has been repeated millions of times, though it isn’t used as much as it used to be…

Dearly beloved: We have come together in the presence of God to witness and bless the joining together of this man and this woman in Holy Matrimony.

Okay, so much for the church history lesson. You’re not here for that. You’re here because you’re looking for some answers to your holy freaking matrimony.

Remember the phrase idealistic perception from the last post? If not, scroll down and read it. Idealist perceptions gone wild end up ruining a lot of marriages. The main reason idealistic perceptions cause big problems is that they’re generated by self-centered, self-serving people. They’re the people that start most of their sentences with first person pronouns.

It’s the man that thinks his wife should look like Salma Hayek…after she’s had three kids….while she works 40 hours a week…and cleans the house because that’s what women do…and gets up with the kids at 2:47 a.m. Did I mention she should look like Salma Hayek until she’s 60? Excuse me, dude, I think the world actually does revolve around you.

Oh, yeah…and then there’s the biggest one of the biggest idealistic perception/oxymorons ever conceived by humanity, male and female alike. Here it is. Ready. Wait for it….

“I’m not in love with him anymore. We’ve grown apart.”

Give me a freaking break….I mean, we will prayerfully consider that in the another post.