Stuck in your marriage? Some things to think about…

Some people think they’re stuck in their marriage. As my pastor put it yesterday, they live with their spouse like a cellmate waiting for the day when they can be released from the prison of a horrible marriage. If it weren’t for the kids or finances or family pressure, they would be gone. The person they were so in love with when they got married is now someone they…dislike very much.

The cellmate marriage isn’t fun. In fact, it’s tedious and full of anxiety. People cope with a cellmate marriage by looking for diversions…void fillers that help them temporarily escape to a place of emotional fulfillment. The safe diversions are kid’s sports, a time consuming hobby, or going back to school. We all know the not-so-safe ones like substance abuse or cheating. Then there’s the married couple that says they’re “super busy” that are simply hiding some deeper issues.

So how does a couple start off in the bliss of holy matrimony and end up in a holy freaking matrimony? Somewhere along the way people experience the disconnect of their idealistic perceptions of marriage and the reality that they live with another human being(s) that is imperfect.

The people that stay in a cellmate marriage would rather live in a crappy situation than start a dialogue about how to make their relationship better. It’s easier to blame the other person. It’s convenient to blame relationship problems on financial woes or a bad economy. If you stick with that logic it will only lead to someone hiring a divorce lawyer. The American view of marriage is flawed.

So, if the logic of American culture is flawed, what’s the answer?

You were created to be in a relationship and relationships that work are hard work. I’ve been married for 23 years. Maintaining my relationship with my wife is hard work. One of the hardest parts of maintaining my relationship with my wife is reminding myself that I have to be willing to change. Oh yeah, and my wife Michelle needs to be willing to change, too. It’s not all about us as individuals, it’s about our relationship. Our relationship gets priority because we’ve found out that a healthy relationship is more fulfilling than anything in the world. And that makes being married fun.

Be willing to change. Work hard at your relationship with your spouse. If you do, you won’t have to work so hard at trying to figure out how to get out of your marriage.