Let’s make this a good, clean fight…

Admit it. You and your spouse fight. Disagreements are the norm when two (couples) or more (families) human beings are in relationship. More often than not, disagreements turn into full fledged fights. I’m not talking about an MMA bout with arm triangles and rear naked chokes. It’s more like arguments where voices are raised, doors are slammed, someone gets the silent treatment, or one of the combatants ends up sleeping in another room.

If you’re married you’ve been there. The dust settles and you feel horrible about how you handled the whole thing and you wish it would have turned out differently. It happened at our house just a few weeks ago. It could have easily been avoided. So how does it happen after twenty three years of marital bliss?

Well…this past May the “estrogen” planet aligned with the “senior girl going to the prom” planet which aligned with the “Mom will make sure it’s the perfect prom night” planet which in turn aligned with the “Dad prefers safety over stupid rental car plans” planet which almost caused the entire Miller galaxy to explode.

It was on like Donkey Kong. It was also louder than normal at our house that day. Yes, day.

Don’t judge me.

We all knew better. After all, the same Dad who is lord over “Dad prefers safety over stupid car rental plans” planet, teaches couples and families how to communicate. The problem? We all chose to communicate emotions instead of information. In the end, we came to our senses and began to communicate information. The issue was resolved and everyone’s agenda was satisfied.

So, how do you communicate data and remove as much emotion as possible? I’ll give you the basics. (I have to save something for the book, right?)

Don’t use accusatory language. Starting your sentences with “You never” or “You always” or “I can’t believe you…” immediately puts your spouse on the defensive. Back them into a corner and you’ve got a fight on your hands.

Repeat back to your spouse the information they communicated. Something like, “So what you’re saying is…” and repeating what they said works great. It proves you’re listening and makes certain the right data is being exchanged. Communicate clearly and the air stays clear.

Practice. I make couples do the first two until their nauseous. To the couple, they come back months later and say, “When we start seeing ourselves slip into emotional communication one of us says, ‘So what you’re saying is…”

Trust them. It works.

Now let’s have a good, clean fight…