Be abnormal. Get pre-marital counseling.

I’ve seen a lot of marriages come and go in my 18 years of ministry and couneling. Below is my short list of why marriages fail.

People don’t do pre-marital counseling.
Let me be clear. You’re exercising really bad judgment if you don’t do premarital counseling. The next four things I mention and a lot more can be discussed and game-planned for before they come up later.

A study (Journal of Family Psychology (March 2006, Vol. 20, No. 1, 117-126) showed that couples that participated in pre-marital counseling were, on average, 31% less likely to divorce in any given year of their marriage than couples who did not benefit from this counseling.

People marry the wrong person.
Far too many people ask themselves, “What was I thinking?” in the first few months of marriage. It’s completely preventable. I’ve even told a few couples to not get married. There are some relationships that just won’t work no matter how attracted you are to them physically and emotionally.

People go into marriage with unrealistic expectations.
This is pretty much the majority of people that decide to get married. High idealism = high divorce rate.

People don’t know how to communicate well.
Okay, maybe it’s mostly us guys that don’t know how to communicate basic things well. The fact is, it’s rare when someone has been taught how to communicate well by their family system. We all need to get better at exchanging information instead of emotional salvos.

People don’t understand and know how do deal with extended family dynamics.
You have to know how each spouses family (in-laws) dynamics will affect your marriage. Most people don’t. If you choose to neglect his huge part of being married….let the fighting begin.

Find a counselor. Go to pre-marital counseling. Don’t know where to start? Click here and find someone in your area.

Affair-proofing your marriage

What a jerk
When you hear of someone that’s had an affair, typical response are, “They should be shot” or “You can’t be serious” or “That sorry…………” Fair enough. I’ve had two close family members suffer affairs. I’m not going to lie, I wanted to beat the living daylight out of the perp. They had wronged someone close to me and I wanted retribution.

Jerk. Self-centered jerk.

Someone that’s had an affair has made some very self-centered choices. They’ve chosen to meet their unmet emotional needs with quick fixes that seem to be the best or easiest option available. Unmet emotional needs puts them in a fog of unhealthy beliefs, rationalization of actions, and denial that a problem exists. So they keep driving through the fog and end up wrecking their life and the lives of their spouse, kids, in-laws and causing damage to friendships.

It takes two, baby
So who didn’t meet the emotional needs of the person that had the affair? We’re always quick to vilify the person that’s had the affair. What about the spouse that, for whatever reason, was being self-centered in their own right by not meeting the emotional needs of their mate?

To be clear, having an affair is wrong, injurious, narcissistic, and short-sighted. However…if a couple is going to thrive together they have to meet each other’s emotional needs. Meeting each others emotional needs is how to affair proof your marriage. Here’s a few to think about:

• Schedule time to talk with each other. You’re busy. You schedule everything else. Communicate with your spouse or they’ll find someone who will.
• Be the safest place for your spouse to rant. Emotional vomit is hard to handle but it doesn’t smell as bad the real stuff when you’re cleaning it up. When your spouse is hurting you have to be a component of their healing.
• Ask your spouse how they’re doing. We all like to talk about ourselves. Ask your spouse how their doing and be willing to listen.
  

• Have sex as often as necessary. If you don’t, your spouse is more likely to find someone who will (1 Cor. 7:1-2). If you do, you’re choosing a healthy view that’s the opposite of being self-centered (1 Cor. 7:3).

How have you affair-proofed your marriage?

Make your life less hectic with a daily game plan

Life with a spouse and kids is hectic. Sometimes it’s chaotic. At the very least it’s a social and financial juggling act that involves a lot of stress. It’s enough to make you want to end all of your Facebook posts with “Ugh!”

It’s not the big things that cause life to be hectic. Most couples know what the family’s big events are for the week or maybe even for the month. It’s pretty easy to budget and plan for a big event, but most of life’s decisions aren’t the big ones.

The stuff that causes us the most stress and frustration in our marriages are the smaller events and issues that come up as a part every day life…

Who’s taking the kids to day camp?
Who’s going to pick up the kids at the pool?
How much money do the kids get for the pool and day camp?
What about the oil change and the cell phone bill problem?
Where do we stand on the lunch money budget?
When is the A/C guy going to show up?
Who’s going to deposit the rebate check at the bank?

Sounds like hectic day to me. The way to get through a hectic day without going crazy is to have a daily game plan. It’s undeniable. Life is less hectic with a daily game plan. Here’s what Michelle and I do…

We get up at the same time…usually. I’m not much of a morning person so getting up when Michelle does is a genuine effort for me. We start with a cup of coffee while getting ready and then discuss our day. We talk logistics and plan for things that are potentially frustrating for either one of us. Sometimes it’s systematic but usually we just work through daily events. We try to have a daily game plan because it’s easier to rethink a plan than it is to react to a situation with no plan at all.

Having a daily game plan is simple and easy. It helps you plan communication. Planned communication soon becomes communication as second nature. The result is a family life that seems less hectic. Less stress and chaos is good.

So what are you waiting for? Start tomorrow. Talk, plan, live.

Just for fun…