A Missional Icon…that few know about

Posted by admin in missional on Aug 7th, 2009 | 0 comments

Think missional is something new? Think again. It may be the fashionable new word of Christians striving for biblical authenticity but I was fortunate to have a Mom and Dad that were missional. They kept missional company like my Uncle Ed (image left) who, to me, is a missional icon.

Uncle Ed just turned 90 years old last month. I was able to go back to Oklahoma and spend some time with him. While his vision has faded with age, he still has an amazing missional mindset. While he’s been a missionary to Mexico for sixty years Uncle Ed began living a missional lifestyle before he ever decided to be a missionary. There’s too many stories to tell so my conversation below will reflect the results of Edgar Stone’s missional lifestyle.

Me: So Uncle Ed, exactly how long have you been doing mission work?

Uncle Ed: Fifty-nine years. It’ll be sixty next year.

Me: How many churches have you planted?

Uncle Ed: I’ve planted eight-eight churches, but we have two missions we’ve started in the last couple of months. A couple of the buildings have been blown away by hurricanes over the years but the work is still going on there.

Me: That’s amazing.

Uncle Ed: The hurricanes?

Me: No, that you’re still planting churches at your age?

Uncle Ed: What am I supposed to do? I don’t think you can retire from doing the Lord’s work.

(I cracked a huge smile and got emotional. Bring it in, Ken…)

Me: I guess the Bible School that you built is going strong?

Uncle Ed: Yep. We’ve graduated 575 pastors.

Me: Do you know how many churches they’ve planted?

Uncle Ed: No, but plenty I guess. I don’t keep track of that. I’ve got enough to say grace over.

Me: And the sewing school…how many ladies have gone through that?

Uncle Ed: Over 800 now. They get a certificate of completion that means something to the Mexicans. It gets them jobs that pay $7 or $9 dollars a day instead of $2 dollars a day. A lot of the pastor’s wives have gone through so they can earn money so their husbands can do ministry and plant churches. Some of them go through just to start their own business or get a better paying job.

So here’s a guy that’s ninety years old that’s lived a Great Commission life – a missional life. Of course, there were revival meetings and crusades and the typical evangelism events that were the norm for his generation. But I know from personal experience that his opportunities to persoanlly share the Gospel didn’t center around holding meetings. It centered around relationships that he built with people every day. It happened because he practiced social justice and was a pioneer in “business as mission.” Then there’s the mentoring of 575 pastors and their personal impact and who knows how many churches have been planted as a result.

That’s a missional lifestyle.

Be abnormal. Get pre-marital counseling.

I’ve seen a lot of marriages come and go in my 18 years of ministry and couneling. Below is my short list of why marriages fail.

People don’t do pre-marital counseling.
Let me be clear. You’re exercising really bad judgment if you don’t do premarital counseling. The next four things I mention and a lot more can be discussed and game-planned for before they come up later.

A study (Journal of Family Psychology (March 2006, Vol. 20, No. 1, 117-126) showed that couples that participated in pre-marital counseling were, on average, 31% less likely to divorce in any given year of their marriage than couples who did not benefit from this counseling.

People marry the wrong person.
Far too many people ask themselves, “What was I thinking?” in the first few months of marriage. It’s completely preventable. I’ve even told a few couples to not get married. There are some relationships that just won’t work no matter how attracted you are to them physically and emotionally.

People go into marriage with unrealistic expectations.
This is pretty much the majority of people that decide to get married. High idealism = high divorce rate.

People don’t know how to communicate well.
Okay, maybe it’s mostly us guys that don’t know how to communicate basic things well. The fact is, it’s rare when someone has been taught how to communicate well by their family system. We all need to get better at exchanging information instead of emotional salvos.

People don’t understand and know how do deal with extended family dynamics.
You have to know how each spouses family (in-laws) dynamics will affect your marriage. Most people don’t. If you choose to neglect his huge part of being married….let the fighting begin.

Find a counselor. Go to pre-marital counseling. Don’t know where to start? Click here and find someone in your area.

Affair-proofing your marriage

Posted by admin in Holy Freaking Matrimony, sex on Jul 28th, 2009 | 0 comments

What a jerk
When you hear of someone that’s had an affair, typical response are, “They should be shot” or “You can’t be serious” or “That sorry…………” Fair enough. I’ve had two close family members suffer affairs. I’m not going to lie, I wanted to beat the living daylight out of the perp. They had wronged someone close to me and I wanted retribution.

Jerk. Self-centered jerk.

Someone that’s had an affair has made some very self-centered choices. They’ve chosen to meet their unmet emotional needs with quick fixes that seem to be the best or easiest option available. Unmet emotional needs puts them in a fog of unhealthy beliefs, rationalization of actions, and denial that a problem exists. So they keep driving through the fog and end up wrecking their life and the lives of their spouse, kids, in-laws and causing damage to friendships.

It takes two, baby
So who didn’t meet the emotional needs of the person that had the affair? We’re always quick to vilify the person that’s had the affair. What about the spouse that, for whatever reason, was being self-centered in their own right by not meeting the emotional needs of their mate?

To be clear, having an affair is wrong, injurious, narcissistic, and short-sighted. However…if a couple is going to thrive together they have to meet each other’s emotional needs. Meeting each others emotional needs is how to affair proof your marriage. Here’s a few to think about:

Schedule time to talk with each other. You’re busy. You schedule everything else. Communicate with your spouse or they’ll find someone who will.
Be the safest place for your spouse to rant. Emotional vomit is hard to handle but it doesn’t smell as bad the real stuff when you’re cleaning it up. When your spouse is hurting you have to be a component of their healing.
Ask your spouse how they’re doing. We all like to talk about ourselves. Ask your spouse how their doing and be willing to listen.

Do you sense the thread of communication yet?

Have sex as often as necessary. If you don’t, your spouse is more likely to find someone who will (1 Cor. 7:1-2). If you do, you’re choosing a healthy view that’s the opposite of being self-centered (1 Cor. 7:3).

How have you affair-proofed your marriage?

Make your life less hectic with a daily game plan

Posted by admin in uncategorized on Jul 20th, 2009 | 0 comments

Life with a spouse and kids is hectic. Sometimes it’s chaotic. At the very least it’s a social and financial juggling act that involves a lot of stress. It’s enough to make you want to end all of your Facebook posts with “Ugh!”

It’s not the big things that cause life to be hectic. Most couples know what the family’s big events are for the week or maybe even for the month. It’s pretty easy to budget and plan for a big event, but most of life’s decisions aren’t the big ones.

The stuff that causes us the most stress and frustration in our marriages are the smaller events and issues that come up as a part every day life…

Who’s taking the kids to day camp?
Who’s going to pick up the kids at the pool?
How much money do the kids get for the pool and day camp?
What about the oil change and the cell phone bill problem?
Where do we stand on the lunch money budget?
When is the A/C guy going to show up?
Who’s going to deposit the rebate check at the bank?

Sounds like hectic day to me. The way to get through a hectic day without going crazy is to have a daily game plan. It’s undeniable. Life is less hectic with a daily game plan. Here’s what Michelle and I do…

We get up at the same time…usually. I’m not much of a morning person so getting up when Michelle does is a genuine effort for me. We start with a cup of coffee while getting ready and then discuss our day. We talk logistics and plan for things that are potentially frustrating for either one of us. Sometimes it’s systematic but usually we just work through daily events. We try to have a daily game plan because it’s easier to rethink a plan than it is to react to a situation with no plan at all.

Having a daily game plan is simple and easy. It helps you plan communication. Planned communication soon becomes communication as second nature. The result is a family life that seems less hectic. Less stress and chaos is good.

So what are you waiting for? Start tomorrow. Talk, plan, live.

Just for fun…

For GUYS only: 30 minutes to better…

Posted by admin in Holy Freaking Matrimony, sex on Jun 28th, 2009 | 0 comments

Communication. We all know that it’s the key to a healthy relationship. When I’m talking to guys about communication they say, almost to the man, “I suck at communication.” Their wives chime and and say, “Yep, he sure does.”

For some reason guys hate to use the word ‘communication’ in the same sentence with ‘wife.’ For some reason guys think that engaging in or mentioning communication is going to instantly make them metrosexual or something.

That’s not true. If you get a pedicure and talk about your wife’s day then…just kidding.

Guys, listen up. You can revolutionize your marriage if you’ll take 30 minutes a day to ask your wife about her day. When you take 30 minutes to ask about your wife’s day a lot of things get better. Her stress level goes down. You’ve become a better human being and husband. You actually begin to understand and “get” her world. You begin to communicate about more things like money and how you should discipline as a couple. Trust me on this one. The more you talk to each other, the better your whole marriage gets. Yes, even sex. But that’s another blog post. Maybe.

The Question
So here’s what works for me and Michelle. On her way home or my way home, one of us will call and ask The Question…

“So, how was your day?”

This is The Question that can revolutionize your marriage. Commit right now to asking this question to your wife at the end of each day. Right now. Repeat after me… “I will ask The Question.” Your wife will thank you and, well, you know that calling your wife on the way home is safer than texting or Twittering while you’re driving.

So here we go. Guys, when you call and ask The Question you have got to be ready. She’s gonna unload the wagon. She may not take a breath. You may think that it’s not humanly possible to unload that much information in that short amount of time. It is humanly possible and she will love you for it.

Just do the following while she’s talking. At key times, respond with an appropriate “Yes” or “I understand.” But the key phrase that you must say is “So what you’re saying is…” When you say that phrase, it proves that you’re really listening. When you’re not listening and trying to catch what Hannity just said, she’ll bust you.

When you actively listen by using the techniques above, you’ll prove that you’re no metrosexual. You’ll prove to her that she’s married a loving, caring, interesting and sexy hunk of burning love.

Communicate guys. That’s what studs do.

If you’re a phone nazi and won’t talk on the phone in your car then carve out the first 30 minutes you’re with your wife and ask her The Question.