When Money is Tight it’s All About “We”

This Christmas, the Miller family will have less financial-driven stress than we’ve had in recent memory. That’s right less financial stress. That’s because we had our own personal recession four years ago. We’ve (I’ve) learned a lot and know what it takes to get by on less. But first a little background…

Four years ago I lost my job as a pastor and my income fell to 40% of what I had been making. It had been way too long since I had left my Fortune 100 job. Skill sets for the new marketplace had changed, so I worked as many as three jobs at a time to  keep income coming in.

There were plenty of times when we had to go to Kroger to exchange coins to get a few dollars for gas because there was less than $10 in the checking account…with three days left until payday. This gave us a whole new insight to disposable income. A big part of the problem is that we had incurred an unhealthy amount of unsecured debt. The personal lending bubble burst for us before we even knew who Bernie Madoff was or thought the U.S. government would have to bail out General Motors.

I normally hate lists, but I’m communicating information here. It’s your job to do the transformation. So here goes. Here’s some lessons we learned that may help you.

- We. Not me. Not her. Not them. We. Ken and Michelle. A unit. A team. A couple.

We.          Us.         We.       One.

- We learned to communicate more efficiently. We learned to fight fair. You’re going to fight as a couple. For those with self-righteous leanings, I’m sure that you guys dialogue vigorously or something retarded like that. We fought about money. But we learned to fight fairly. OK, we got better at it. We’re still honing our skills at communicating information rather than emotion. Why? When money is tight, you wanna fight. To fight fairly, you can read this post for better technique.

- We learned to communicate often. We talked constantly about our situation. If you don’t have much money, you better know who’s spending what, when they’re going to spend it, and when more money is coming in. Since communicating often about money is hard for us humans to do, this one will take the most effort. It’s just plain uncomfortable to talk about money when there’s seems to be no money to talk about.

- We learned humility. We had stellar credit. Had. It’s rebounded dramatically in the last 18 months, but it tanked because some of our debtors were more important than others. We learned our self-worth wasn’t tied up in our FICO score.

- We learned to tweak our personal financial systems. We averted financial “disaster” because we had a good personal financial system in place. We had and still have a budget, but we went from a budget that was updated every couple of months to a budget that was updated every few days. We issued purchase orders. Yep, verbal purchase orders for anything over a predetermined amount. We spent our money together. We also used more cash and less debit card. Dave Ramsey is no fool.

- We learned that kind and generous people actually exist in the local church. It’s not exactly a financial lesson but it may be even more important. Pain and suffering is best experienced in a community of faith.

Anybody want to weigh in and let everyone else know what you do to get by when money is tight?

I’m a fan of Prepare-Enrich

If you’ve decided to find a marriage counselor you’ve probably done one of the following things:

• You’ve asked a friend to recommend someone.
• You’ve asked a pastor or priest if they do counseling or if they can refer you to someone.
• You did a Google search.

If none of those worked out for you, go to the Prepare-Enrich website and look for someone in your area. You’ll find clergy and licensed counselors that use the Prepare-Enrich inventory diagnostic tool and they’ll even tell you what faith system they belong to, if given.

It’s the inventory I use. It’s accurate and actually cuts down your counseling time by getting information up front. You will, of course, need to perform due diligence in finding someone that you and your spouse like and fits your budget.

Just one more piece of information to help you have a healthy marriage.

Avoid the “d” word

My wife and I love to sit around on Saturday mornings with cup of coffee and talk. It doesn’t happen all of the time but when it does, it’s great.

This morning we were planning the day, negotiating housework chores, wondering what an empty nest looks like and blogging. Michelle wondered why I hadn’t written about why it’s important to avoid using the “D” word. It’s definitely helped us and our kids. Maybe it will help you, too.

Okay, babe. This one’s for you (us).

There’s a non-negotiable rule at the Miller house. We don’t use the word “divorce” in any conversation related to our marriage or our kids. Period.

We decided from the very beginning of our marriage to avoid the “d” word. We still avoid using the word after 23 years of marriage. People ask us if we think it’s some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy we were trying to avoid. Not so much. It sure doesn’t hurt to look at it that way.

We’ve chosen to avoid the “d” word because we want our kids to have a sense of stability. It’s important to us for our kids to know that Mom and Dad will be there, as a couple, until we die.

It’s important to our kids, too. When our kids were younger, they independently asked us if we would ever get divorced. We told them divorce wasn’t a possibility for us. We told them Mom and Dad were committed to each other for the rest of our lives. Our kids needed to hear that.

Your kids need to hear that, too.

Let your kids know that you’re committed to each other. Avoid using the “d” word. Don’t even use it when you’re kidding. There’s an ancient proverb that says, “Reckless words pierce like a sword.” Using the “d” word in any context erodes the most important and fundamental component of a healthy marriage….trust.

“So what you’re saying is…”

Footnote: Michelle and I aren’t perfect. We’re capable of messing up just like anyone else. We’re just passionate about our relationship and our marriage.

Let’s make this a good, clean fight…

Admit it. You and your spouse fight. Disagreements are the norm when two (couples) or more (families) human beings are in relationship. More often than not, disagreements turn into full fledged fights. I’m not talking about an MMA bout with arm triangles and rear naked chokes. It’s more like arguments where voices are raised, doors are slammed, someone gets the silent treatment, or one of the combatants ends up sleeping in another room.

If you’re married you’ve been there. The dust settles and you feel horrible about how you handled the whole thing and you wish it would have turned out differently. It happened at our house just a few weeks ago. It could have easily been avoided. So how does it happen after twenty three years of marital bliss?

Well…this past May the “estrogen” planet aligned with the “senior girl going to the prom” planet which aligned with the “Mom will make sure it’s the perfect prom night” planet which in turn aligned with the “Dad prefers safety over stupid rental car plans” planet which almost caused the entire Miller galaxy to explode.

It was on like Donkey Kong. It was also louder than normal at our house that day. Yes, day.

Don’t judge me.

We all knew better. After all, the same Dad who is lord over “Dad prefers safety over stupid car rental plans” planet, teaches couples and families how to communicate. The problem? We all chose to communicate emotions instead of information. In the end, we came to our senses and began to communicate information. The issue was resolved and everyone’s agenda was satisfied.

So, how do you communicate data and remove as much emotion as possible? I’ll give you the basics. (I have to save something for the book, right?)

Don’t use accusatory language. Starting your sentences with “You never” or “You always” or “I can’t believe you…” immediately puts your spouse on the defensive. Back them into a corner and you’ve got a fight on your hands.

Repeat back to your spouse the information they communicated. Something like, “So what you’re saying is…” and repeating what they said works great. It proves you’re listening and makes certain the right data is being exchanged. Communicate clearly and the air stays clear.

Practice. I make couples do the first two until their nauseous. To the couple, they come back months later and say, “When we start seeing ourselves slip into emotional communication one of us says, ‘So what you’re saying is…”

Trust them. It works.

Now let’s have a good, clean fight…