Make your life less hectic with a daily game plan
Posted by admin in uncategorized on Jul 20th, 2009 | 0 commentsLife with a spouse and kids is hectic. Sometimes it’s chaotic. At the very least it’s a social and financial juggling act that involves a lot of stress. It’s enough to make you want to end all of your Facebook posts with “Ugh!”
It’s not the big things that cause life to be hectic. Most couples know what the family’s big events are for the week or maybe even for the month. It’s pretty easy to budget and plan for a big event, but most of life’s decisions aren’t the big ones.
The stuff that causes us the most stress and frustration in our marriages are the smaller events and issues that come up as a part every day life…
Who’s taking the kids to day camp?
Who’s going to pick up the kids at the pool?
How much money do the kids get for the pool and day camp?
What about the oil change and the cell phone bill problem?
Where do we stand on the lunch money budget?
When is the A/C guy going to show up?
Who’s going to deposit the rebate check at the bank?
Sounds like hectic day to me. The way to get through a hectic day without going crazy is to have a daily game plan. It’s undeniable. Life is less hectic with a daily game plan. Here’s what Michelle and I do…
We get up at the same time…usually. I’m not much of a morning person so getting up when Michelle does is a genuine effort for me. We start with a cup of coffee while getting ready and then discuss our day. We talk logistics and plan for things that are potentially frustrating for either one of us. Sometimes it’s systematic but usually we just work through daily events. We try to have a daily game plan because it’s easier to rethink a plan than it is to react to a situation with no plan at all.
Having a daily game plan is simple and easy. It helps you plan communication. Planned communication soon becomes communication as second nature. The result is a family life that seems less hectic. Less stress and chaos is good.
So what are you waiting for? Start tomorrow. Talk, plan, live.
Just for fun…
For GUYS only: 30 minutes to better…
Posted by admin in Holy Freaking Matrimony, sex on Jun 28th, 2009 | 0 commentsCommunication. We all know that it’s the key to a healthy relationship. When I’m talking to guys about communication they say, almost to the man, “I suck at communication.” Their wives chime and and say, “Yep, he sure does.”
For some reason guys hate to use the word ‘communication’ in the same sentence with ‘wife.’ For some reason guys think that engaging in or mentioning communication is going to instantly make them metrosexual or something.
That’s not true. If you get a pedicure and talk about your wife’s day then…just kidding.
Guys, listen up. You can revolutionize your marriage if you’ll take 30 minutes a day to ask your wife about her day. When you take 30 minutes to ask about your wife’s day a lot of things get better. Her stress level goes down. You’ve become a better human being and husband. You actually begin to understand and “get” her world. You begin to communicate about more things like money and how you should discipline as a couple. Trust me on this one. The more you talk to each other, the better your whole marriage gets. Yes, even sex. But that’s another blog post. Maybe.
The Question
So here’s what works for me and Michelle. On her way home or my way home, one of us will call and ask The Question…
“So, how was your day?”
This is The Question that can revolutionize your marriage. Commit right now to asking this question to your wife at the end of each day. Right now. Repeat after me… “I will ask The Question.” Your wife will thank you and, well, you know that calling your wife on the way home is safer than texting or Twittering while you’re driving.
So here we go. Guys, when you call and ask The Question you have got to be ready. She’s gonna unload the wagon. She may not take a breath. You may think that it’s not humanly possible to unload that much information in that short amount of time. It is humanly possible and she will love you for it.
Just do the following while she’s talking. At key times, respond with an appropriate “Yes” or “I understand.” But the key phrase that you must say is “So what you’re saying is…” When you say that phrase, it proves that you’re really listening. When you’re not listening and trying to catch what Hannity just said, she’ll bust you.
When you actively listen by using the techniques above, you’ll prove that you’re no metrosexual. You’ll prove to her that she’s married a loving, caring, interesting and sexy hunk of burning love.
Communicate guys. That’s what studs do.
If you’re a phone nazi and won’t talk on the phone in your car then carve out the first 30 minutes you’re with your wife and ask her The Question.
I’m a fan of Prepare-Enrich
Posted by admin in communication, Holy Freaking Matrimony on Jun 23rd, 2009 | 0 commentsIf you’ve decided to find a marriage counselor you’ve probably done one of the following things:
- You’ve asked a friend to recommend someone.
- You’ve asked a pastor or priest if they do counseling or if they can refer you to someone.
- You did a Google search.
If none of those worked out for you, go to the Prepare-Enrich website and look for someone in your area. You’ll find clergy and licensed counselors that use the Prepare-Enrich inventory diagnostic tool and they’ll even tell you what faith system they belong to, if given.
It’s the inventory I use. It’s accurate and actually cuts down your counseling time by getting information up front. You will, of course, need to perform due diligence in finding someone that you and your spouse like and fits your budget.
Just one more piece of information to help you have a healthy marriage.
Avoid the “d” word
Posted by admin in communication, Holy Freaking Matrimony on Jun 20th, 2009 | 1 commentMy wife and I love to sit around on Saturday mornings with cup of coffee and talk. It doesn’t happen all of the time but when it does, it’s great.
This morning we were planning the day, negotiating housework chores, wondering what an empty nest looks like and blogging. Michelle wondered why I hadn’t written about why it’s important to avoid using the “D” word. It’s definitely helped us and our kids. Maybe it will help you, too.
Okay, babe. This one’s for you (us).
There’s a non-negotiable rule at the Miller house. We don’t use the word “divorce” in any conversation related to our marriage or our kids. Period.
We decided from the very beginning of our marriage to avoid the “d” word. We still avoid using the word after 23 years of marriage. People ask us if we think it’s some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy we were trying to avoid. Not so much. It sure doesn’t hurt to look at it that way.
We’ve chosen to avoid the “d” word because we want our kids to have a sense of stability. It’s important to us for our kids to know that Mom and Dad will be there, as a couple, until we die.
It’s important to our kids, too. When our kids were younger, they independently asked us if we would ever get divorced. We told them divorce wasn’t a possibility for us. We told them Mom and Dad were committed to each other for the rest of our lives. Our kids needed to hear that.
Your kids need to hear that, too.
Let your kids know that you’re committed to each other. Avoid using the “d” word. Don’t even use it when you’re kidding. There’s an ancient proverb that says, “Reckless words pierce like a sword.” Using the “d” word in any context erodes the most important and fundamental component of a healthy marriage….trust.
“So what you’re saying is…”
Footnote: Michelle and I aren’t perfect. We’re capable of messing up just like anyone else. We’re just passionate about our relationship and our marriage.
Let’s make this a good, clean fight…
Posted by admin in communication, Holy Freaking Matrimony, sex on Jun 18th, 2009 | 0 commentsAdmit it. You and your spouse fight. Disagreements are the norm when two (couples) or more (families) human beings are in relationship. More often than not, disagreements turn into full fledged fights. I’m not talking about an MMA bout with arm triangles and rear naked chokes. It’s more like arguments where voices are raised, doors are slammed, someone gets the silent treatment, or one of the combatants ends up sleeping in another room.
If you’re married you’ve been there. The dust settles and you feel horrible about how you handled the whole thing and you wish it would have turned out differently. It happened at our house just a few weeks ago. It could have easily been avoided. So how does it happen after twenty three years of marital bliss?
Well…this past May the “estrogen” planet aligned with the “senior girl going to the prom” planet which aligned with the “Mom will make sure it’s the perfect prom night” planet which in turn aligned with the “Dad prefers safety over stupid rental car plans” planet which almost caused the entire Miller galaxy to explode.
It was on like Donkey Kong. It was also louder than normal at our house that day. Yes, day.
Don’t judge me.
We all knew better. After all, the same Dad who is lord over “Dad prefers safety over stupid car rental plans” planet, teaches couples and families how to communicate. The problem? We all chose to communicate emotions instead of information. In the end, we came to our senses and began to communicate information. The issue was resolved and everyone’s agenda was satisfied.
So, how do you communicate data and remove as much emotion as possible? I’ll give you the basics. (I have to save something for the book, right?)
Don’t use accusatory language. Starting your sentences with “You never” or “You always” or “I can’t believe you…” immediately puts your spouse on the defensive. Back them into a corner and you’ve got a fight on your hands.
Repeat back to your spouse the information they communicated. Something like, “So what you’re saying is…” and repeating what they said works great. It proves you’re listening and makes certain the right data is being exchanged. Communicate clearly and the air stays clear.
Practice. I make couples do the first two until their nauseous. To the couple, they come back months later and say, “When we start seeing ourselves slip into emotional communication one of us says, ‘So what you’re saying is…”
Trust them. It works.
Now let’s have a good, clean fight…
